Can't Focus!

So, I have a homework assignment due tomorrow and I just can't focus! I also skipped two classes today! Can't believe I am such a bad a student. I am feeling a bit guilty right now. Anyways, I have been having so many different emotions lately. I have been thinking a lot about Caleb. I just get in these moods where I just want to hug him and to see him and to hear his voice. I know that this a healthy part of grieving someone you love. I know this is something natural but it doesn't change how much it hurts sometime. It's hard to explain really. Sometimes I just really long for his presence. Now that it has been almost four years the shock of his death has worn off and all that is left is an aching feeling. I don't want to sound depressing or anything but I just really need to write about how I feel right now. I am really not sure what brings on these times of my life where I just really miss him. But this time I think I actually know. It is kind of weird but I will write about it anyways. I want my brother here to protect me.

It sounds odd but it is something very real to me. Lately, there has been a lot of creepy guys in my life. I want my brother to be here to say, "Hey, back off! That's my sister! You better not even look at her." I really, really want that. I just want him to take care of me and to adore me as his "little sister". I want to be a "little sister" with a big, strong, capable older brother! I know that God is good. No matter what, I will never doubt that. But I feel like one of the most special people in my life is just gone. Someone that I would have loved to get to know deeper and deeper as we lived life and grew older. Some days the pain is real and so raw. I don't know what I would do if I didn't know that God is always going to be here to protect me. Even though I long for the physical protection of my brother, God will always be at my side. He is the one I rely on and he is my strength. Like the song, "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman says, "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." My heart chooses to say thank you Lord. My heart chooses to fall more and more in love with Jesus and know him more. I know that God is the only one who can heal my aching heart and truly comfort me.

Some Scattered Thoughts

I am in a writing mood so I figure, I should probably take advantage of it! I have been in Germany about 3 months now and have turned 21! It's weird how fast time goes! I am enjoying every minute of my time here even when it get's a bit stressful. I always feel a bit stressed on Tuesdays because I teach English in a little town near Gießen and getting there includes a bus and a train. I guess I just feel that it takes a lot of effort. I do enjoy teaching though and am so thankful that I have this opportunity. In fact, as I was locking up the tutoring center today I started thinking about how the heck I even got this job. I then remembered that I had prayed for something like this and how random it was to meet a woman in my class who just so happened to own a language center and need a teacher. I realized in that moment this job is another answer to prayer. I am very thankful for it despite the lesson planning and extra traveling on Tuesday.

Actually, something really cool has come out of my Tuesday train rides. I take the 12:28pm train every Tuesday from Gießen to Butzbach (the town where I teach). The second time I took the train I met a Pakistani-German woman. We had a really interesting conversation and now we meet weekly on the train. We only have a 10min talk or so before I reach my stop but it was so wonderful to meet her! I am still trying figure out if meeting people is really just random or if God has a plan and a purpose for every single person He puts in our way. I wonder.

Now that the snow has come (beautiful loads of it!), I have a new favorite thing to do. It's a bit cold and icy to go running so I enjoy taking brisk walks in the woods. I especially love when no one is around and I can just breath in fresh air and hear the silence of the woods. It is so peaceful! One time as I was walking along I decided that I would try praying out loud. I began quietly at first, but then I just started talking to God like He was walking right next to me. I just started pouring my heart out to Him and holding nothing back. One time I was talking to Him and realized I was not being completely honest about something. I started laughing because obviously He already knows what's really in my head! I love doing this. I feel so close to Him and my mind doesn't wander as it sometimes does when I just pray silently. When I have this time with God in the woods, afterward I always feel like singing and dancing! Spending time with God brings so much joy! So yeah, that's my new favorite thing. The only problem is watching out for other walkers - don't want them to think I am completely insane!

It seems all my blogs end with something about what God has done in my life or how good He is and well I guess, I just can't help it! He is so good! I could talk about God every second! That's why I love spending time with my friend Melanie. She feels the same way! Last week I had the realization just how much I loved the name of Jesus and how wonderful and beautiful it is!

God is so Good!

So, Lately I have been feeling a bit like I've been letting God down. I haven't been reading my Bible regularly like I should nor spending time just praying and talking with God. I've really been distracted with all the things that go on around me school, friends, parties, teaching, and other various activities. However, I have time to go on Facebook or watch a movie but always say, "I don't have time to read the Bible." Well, that's just crap. Just plain not true. I have time. If I used my time wisely I could have even an hour to spend with him let alone 20 minutes.

Two things that have struck me recently is that I find myself in circumstances or thinking things that I know would not be honoring to the Lord. For example, seeing someone being left out and not trying to include them but rather putting myself first. Another example, being at a party and maybe drinking just one beer too much. I realized that lately I have really been putting myself first when in fact, just as Christ did we should put others before us.

My Dad recently wrote me an email talking about how all the things I do are great but the most important thing I can do is spend time with Jesus. Again today, my mom send me an email about something she read about George MacDonald: “We will each take with us through death nothing but our inner selves, our souls_the essential character that is real me, the real you, which we have used the opportunities of life to become.” She went on to write that I need to take time to develop my "inner being" so to say. That only God can affirm who I am. Basically, when I don't spend time with God I am an empty shell. I am not letting Him down because he will always love me no matter what, it's more than I am damaging myself because I am letting something beautiful I could have with him slip away.

After reading my mom's email, I sat down and opened my Bible to James. Within the first chapter it states, "Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and compete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him" (1:3-5).

It's amazing how God speaks directly to us through the Bible. I feel like I am faced with many trials, not in the kind that my life is endangered obviously, but there are little decisions I have to make every day and these little decisions really define my reputation as a Christian. But through these little decisions and through my mistakes I am learning to persevere in my faith even when it is challenged. It is through these things that our faith becomes real because it is through these things that we actually have to live out our faith. Also, I often find myself struggling with what I should do. Duh! God gives wisdom to those who asks without finding fault! I am so not alone! I don;t have to face all the little decisions that can become slippery-slopes on my own! God is so faithful, wonderful, good, loving and the list goes on! I am so thankful to Him and for his grace and for loving me despite how many times I fail. He just loves me because I am his daughter. Amen!

School Started!

I am just about to finish my second week of school! The last couple weeks have been crazy with choosing classes, finding them, and getting used to having a real schedule. I think I've finally figured out what my semester is going to look like. I have four linguistic classes in English and four other classes in German. I shouldn't complain about that being crazy though. This weekend takes the place of all it!

Saturday started out wonderfully! I went to a flea market with some lovely friends, drank hot chocolate, and then had dinner with some more friends (homemade Chinese noodles and Italian Pizza). Sunday morning is where it all went wrong. I walked out of my dorm preparing to unlock my bike and ride to church and then realized wait...I have a problem. Where is my bike? I was almost sure I was standing where I had locked it up but alas, it was not there. Yes, my lovely 15 euro bike is long gone along with my new bell and basket. Sad times. Well, I shook that off and went on my way to church. I had to walk quickly because not having a bike adds about 15min to the way there.

Later on Sunday I was on my way to the refugee camp to visit the kids. I promised I would come and was anticipating seeing them! I was almost to the camp when I realized my passport was not in my pocket like I thought! Oh no! I replayed all I had just done in my head and retraced my steps. I finally came to the conclusion that it had to have fallen out on the bus! Well, that meant no refugee camp and no peace of mind! I could hardly believe I had been that careless! But God is good and Tuesday evening I got a random message on facebook. A woman contacted me and said her son had found my passport on the bus. She gave me her number and said that she could meet me somewhere and I could pick it up! Hallelujah!

Yeah, so what a Sunday! The rest of this week has been great though. I'm settling into my schedule and figuring out how I need to manage my time. I have to find time to study between classes, babysitting, visiting the refugee camp, and hanging out with friends. I have quite the full schedule these days and I love every bit of it! I'm even helping lead worship at church on Sunday! Also I feel like my German is really improving even though I have a long, long way to go.

The first week of school was so scary that when I entered a class I tried to look as German as possible. I even contemplated trying to have an German "accent" when I spoke so that I wouldn't stick out. I figured that may only offend people and so was not the best idea. The second week has been a bit better and I am gaining a bit of confidence in class. We'll see what the rest of the semester brings!

Who Am I?

Who am I to be born into a life where I have anything I could ever want and more? I can buy things that I don't need, sit luxuriously in coffee shops, and go to bed at night knowing that there is really little chance that my perfect little world is going to change. It is incredible how the geographic location of where you're born can so strongly determine your life.

Recently I have met people whose lives are subject to change every day. I don't know all of their stories and I am sure each is very different. I have met people from Iran fleeing a harsh government and from Iraq whose country has been ravaged by war. There are people from Ethiopia, Djibouti, and Eritrea. In the words of an Ethiopian woman I met, "I pray and ask God why Africa has so much trouble. Why us? I don't know. But I trust God." It sickens me that these people had to leave their land, their country, their home because it is unsafe or unbearable to live there. I rejoice that they were able to move to a safer place but my heart breaks that they had to leave at all. I know that in the beginning God created a perfect world without any of the pain and suffering that is rampant today. I know that He is the only constant in this world of brokenness and uncertainty. I don't know the answer to that woman's question. I only know for certain that Christ is the healer of all hurt, pain, and brokenness. This is the one infallible truth. So many people present the Gospel as just a way to heaven but is so much more! It is a chance to be restored to what God intended us to be. It provides a way to have a relationship with the Creator of the world and find peace and joy in Him.

Tonight I was able to go to the refugee camp again. I played soccer with the children. Oh how I loved seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter! I think their favorite thing to do is laugh at me! Everything I do is a bit funny to them for some reason. But that's what I want to do! I want to be there with them and to find joy in playing soccer, swinging, or drawing with sidewalk chalk. I want to love these precious children that God has made and who He loves so much. I want to love them with Christ's love. This is truly the desire of my heart. Many of these children have had more trauma in their lives than I can even imagine. Just the fact that they had to leave their country and be thrown into a new language at such a young age. I praise God that I have the opportunity and the privilege to know them and hopefully be a blessing to them. And I pray that God will give me opportunities to do this for the rest of my life.

My Heart is so Full!

God has been showing me so much in the last couple months! First with working at City Camps with kids this summer and again last night when I got to play with some refugee children. On Thursday nights I have the opportunity to participate in an event called Cafe Hope. It's a time to fellowship with and meet refugees that live in a camp near Gießen. They usually come from Iran or Iraq but last night there were also some from Eritrea and Ethiopia.

Anyways, there must have been some new families there because there were some kids that I have never seen before. There were a couple of boys from Iran (including a pair of twins), two girls from Iran, and a boy from Iraq. Their ages ranged from about 6 to 10-years-old.

When I arrived at Cafe Hope the kids were just roaming around bored. Then one of the other helpers suggested I take them to a play room and just keep an eye on them till it was time to eat. At first they were really shy around me and I was not sure if they spoke any German or English so it was really hard to communicate. But something that I learned in China is a smile goes a long way. So I just continued to smile and attempt to play games with them. Then one of the twins, who was pretty outgoing, decided he wanted to teach my how to say "give me five!" in Farsi. When I had kind of got that down I went around to all the Iranian children and tried my new phrase out. Their eyes became really wide and they started to smile. It was a perfect way to make friends! The rest of the evening I had a little crew around me. The kids wanted to go wherever I was.

What I have realized is that God has given me such a love for children! I could spend every minute with them. Just loving them and playing with them! My heart and soul are so content when I am doing this. The thought of anyone hurting little children hurts me as well. When I see pictures of hungry children or children who have no one to love them I cry. I know that this love for children is from God. I also know that in my life I will be content wherever God has me if I have children around me that I can love and care for. I need nothing else. I don't need nice clothes, a big house, or money. I don't even need to be married. I would just be content to work with God's precious little children no matter where I am and no matter the circumstance.

Here in Germany it is so easy to get caught up in material things. There is a shopping center only 5min by bus and 10min by bike away from where I live. I could be clothes, earrings, and whatever I wanted every day. I have cafes where I can go drink coffee and read. I have so so much. My prayer is that all these THINGS that I am surrounded with do not get in the way of what really matters. I want to minimize the amount I have and maximize the amount I love other people. I am coming to realize that to truly find joy you must think only of others. Focusing on yourself only causes you to be more and more dissatisfied with life. To find the joy and peace Christ offers others must come first. I want a pure heart that hungers after holiness. I want to become more and more like Christ in every area of my life. I have so far to go. I am still filled with so much vanity and selfishness. But God is good and He is here with me. And I know that it is only through His power that I can do anything.

My First Grand Adventure!

It was 4am on Saturday morning as I rolled out of bed, preparing for about a 7 hour train ride down to Munich. Five friends and I were going down to Oktoberfest for the day and then catching the 5pm train back to Gießen. I was already mentally preparing for a long day but had no real idea what the weekend would entail.

I hurriedly got dressed and gathered my things. I had to meet my friends at 4:30am in front of my building. No time for breakfast. I walked out the front doors into the dark morning and a blast of cool, fresh air hit my sleepy face. From somewhere in front of me I heard this weird singing. I quickly steer away from that and phoned my friend to see where she was.

Finally, we all met and took a taxi to the train station. We were using a weekend deal called Schönes Wochenende. It allowed 5 people to travel all weekend for just 37 euro. Our train was to leave at 5:25am but we would only be on that train for 30min before we had to catch the next one so sleeping was not really an option.

We caught the next train without any problems and I tried to doze off a bit on this one. With each train we took the sky got lighter and lighter and I began to feel more awake. It was probably also due to the fact that the train was quickly filling up with more and more people heading to Oktoberfest. Some of them had already started their drinking marathon, needless to say the train was not quiet and the line for the bathroom was immense.

Reaching Munich around noon, we all really had to use the bathroom! There was no way we could use it on the trains. So the four other girls and I rushed down stairs to the train station bathroom. Wow, what an experience! There was a line there as well, although a more bearable one. It cost ,80 cents to use the bathroom. Ridiculous! Also, there was a man in charge of the line to make the bathroom process go smoothly. This must have gone to his head because he was shouting at us like we were five-years-old! It was quite hilarious. And then, I couldn't believe my own eyes. He went down the row of bathroom stalls, banging on the doors and shouting, "Schnell! Schnell!" I felt like I was in a movie!

After that bathroom escapade we left the train station and headed toward Oktoberfest. It was easy to find the way. We just had to follow the men in lederhosen and the women wearing dirndl. Finally we arrived and saw overhead a Willkommen zum Oktoberfest. My friend Ania and I decided the first thing we had to do was buy a hat! There were so many crazy ones! I bought one that looked like a yodeler hat you would wear in the mountains. I think I'll give it to Dad when I come home. Anyways, we walked around a bit and just observed the people. As can be expected there were plenty of drunk people roaming around. While I waited for four of my friends who wanted to go on a crazy, head-spinning ride, I saw a man in lederhosen and got a picture with him! It was so fun! Then we bought some delicious candied hazelnuts. I felt like I was eating Christmas.

We decided that since we were at Oktoberfest, we might as well have a beer so we found the nearest outdoor bar. You could only order a beer if you were sitting down and although there were many tables there were no seats anywhere. Finally we squeezed onto a bench with some people from New Zealand and the United States. We each ordered a liter of beer (the only size they had!). It cost almost 10 euros! After we all got our beers we decided to find a new table because the people we were sitting with were a bit...odd.

We walked around and when we saw another open spot we asked the people there if we could sit. They welcomed us gladly! They were from Italy. So we spent the rest of the afternoon with our new Italian friends! They were so fun and crazy and kept singing songs in Italian. They were astonished that I and my friend Andy were from the United States and kept asking us our names over and over again. Spending the last few hours with them was definitely the highlight of Oktoberfest! I am now friends with them on Facebook and have an invitation to come to Italy anytime I want! I just may take them up on that.

We had to leave our Italian friends in order to catch the 5pm train back to Gießen. We made it in good time and settled ourselves on the first train, in the back of our minds knowing that we had about 4 four more to catch. We were worn out from our day and so were the others heading back to wherever home was. There were people in lederhosen and dirndls fast asleep in almost every seat.

On the second train we ran into three friends from Gießen! They were also coming back from Oktoberfest. It was so nice to see them and we shared stories of our impression of Munich and everything else that we experienced. After another train we finally reached Frankfurt only to find that the last train to Gießen had already departed! We had missed it by 20min. The next one didn't leave until 5:15am so we would have to spend the night in the Frankfurt Hauptbahnhof. We contemplated on what we should do. We could try to spend the night in McDonalds, sleep in the station, or take a night tour of the city. I had never seen Frankfurt and for some reason was wide awake. Most of us agreed with the last option so off we went. We walked past the Frankfurt Börse at 2am and then on to St. Bartholomäus Cathedral. We crossed a beautiful, lit-up bridge over the Main River and saw the skyline of the city at night. Then my friend Michelle said to me,
"Hey, so we were thinking of going to Cologne tomorrow. We have the Schönes Wochenende ticket so we might as well use it." At first I was skeptical thinking, I just want to go home sleep, eat, and shower! But then I realized I was in Germany on an adventure and I better make the most of it! I was going to Cologne!

When we were finally worn out we returned to the train station around 4:30am and deided to sit out the rest of the nigh there. Our train to Cologne was leaving around the same time the 5:15am train to Gießen was.

While we were waiting the bakeries in the train station began to prepare for the day. One in particular looked good with fresh croissants and schokobrötchen (my favorite!). We were practically pressing our faces against the class as if willing the shop to open early. The man looked up at us, smiled, but didn't open shop!

Our train arrived before we could buy any bakery but we decided to just buy some in the next station. It would take us about 4 hours and a couple trains to reach Cologne. Sure enough at the next station we found an open bakery. We bought coffee and bread, waiting for our next train. I had only a light jacket on and was very, very cold! I decided when I got to Cologne I would buy a warmer sweater. We caught the next train and I dozed on and off until finally our stop arrived.

I luckily found a shop at the train station that was open, usually on Sunday stores are closed. I bought a warm fleece and now felt ready for whatever Cologne had to offer. However, I was not prepared for what I saw leaving the train station. There, directly in front of us loomed Der Kölner Dom (The Cologne Cathedral)! It was awe-inspiring and breathtaking all at once. I have never seen such a large, ornate building before. It was a Sunday and so the bells were ringing and if I closed my eyes I could imagine how it must of been years ago without the people in modern dress and cameras walking around. A time when it was just a church and not a tourist attraction. Anyways, because it WAS a tourist attraction we were able to by tickets for just 2,50 euros and see the cathedral's museum with artifacts from the bishops who had served the church. We saw the extravagant, decadent robes and jewelry they had worn. There were also the shrines of saints and even a display that claimed it contained a splinter of the Cross. We were also able to climb the steeples of the cathedral. I don't even want to remember how it felt to climb so many stairs after a sleepless night and having only bread to eat that day. And I thought climbing Bunker Hill was a challenge! However, the view from the Cathedral was worth it! You could see the gargoyles perched on the roof up close and in the distance the Rhine River and so many modern buildings with the steeples of old churches poking through.

After climbing back down we looked for a place to have lunch contemplating if we should stop in Bonn before heading back to Gießen. Bonn was the old German capital until it was moved to Berlin in 1990. We found a nice little cafe and I order a small Italian pizza and some coffee. Hot, "real" food felt so good in my stomach after almost two days of random bakery and a snchitzel sandwhich at Oktoberfest. After eating we decided it would be better to take a direct train back to Gießen and that we would visit Bonn another day. Exhausted on the train ride home we slept until we reached the Gießen train station. I truly felt like I was home. Finally a shower and a real bed, not an uncomfortable train! However, this adventure made me hungry for more and I plan to go on many before I return home! Spontaneous, crazy adventures....here I come!

I'm Here!

Well, I have spent my first night in Gießen, Germany! I absolutely love it! I thought I was going to be homesick but I am not in the least. I know it's only been two days but it is so exciting meeting people from all over the world. Today I met people from Turkey, Greece, Russia, Hungary, Poland, Brazil, Japan, Korea, Georgia, England, North Ireland, Costa Rica, Spain etc. What I am so thankful for is that I have not been shy. I have just been talking and talking and making new friends!

I love my dorm room too! It's bigger then I thought. I have a bed, a large desk, a pretty big closet and a sink and mirror in my room. I share a kitchen and a bathroom that is just down the hall. I guess that my dorms are the nicest. At least, that's what everyone tells me. I sure like them!

I just got back from my first night at a German pub! I drank tea. I didn't feel like having any beer but I did try some of my friend's beer. I just don't like it! Ah well. It was so fun though! We went with a group of students from Northern Ireland. They were quite crazy but fun to be with. We went to an international student bar so we'll be going a lot I think. There was a foosball table and we had a big tournament with the Irish playing the Americans. It was such good, clean fun and a great way to get to know each other. I am so excited to grow in my friendships and meet more new people!

One thing that makes me frustrated though is that we all speak English. Some people have had no prior German and so that I understand. However, I feel like we will never improve if all we do is speak English. The course starts on Monday though and so I hope that after that we will be speaking more German.

My dorm is right by the pub and I still hear the Irish there having a good time. This is going to be a fun, crazy year!

Why Germany?

Okay, so to be honest this whole "study abroad in Germany thing" spawned from a trip I took to Germany as a seventeen-year-old in 2007. I went to visit my friend Madlen, who was our exchange student and is now one of my best friends. After returning from this trip, I was determined to major in German and study abroad there.

So when I graduated from high school I started off with German my first semester of college. Then I went to Guatemala. Afterward, I wanted to study Spanish but was too far into the German program. Then I went to China. Afterward, I wanted to study Chinese but, again, was too far into the German program. This whole last semester I've been struggling with how German is going to help me on the mission field. I felt like maybe I was diving into the wrong language, even though everything for this trip kept falling into place.

Friday morning of last week I got a glimpse of a way I can use my German! It was also a reminder that God can use any gift we have if we are willing to let Him work in our life.

An old family friend, Mark Bosley, came over to say goodbye before he heads back down to Arizona. He was once interested in Linguistics, my major, and loves talking to me about it. He told me that two excellent professors of Linguistics are teaching in Germany right now and one of them is an expert in African languages. I was so excited! Could this be the reason that I am spending this time in Germany? I would love to study under these professors! I probably won't graduate from college for another two and half years and I don't know if they will still be there; however, I'm so excited for the opportunities my studying abroad may open for me!

Two Weeks Left

Before I begin my first post, I would like to say don't judge my grammar! When I free write I don't really pay attention to rules. Just had to get that out of the way. :)

Also, I would like to say that I have created this blog as a place to share about my year in Germany with all those interested. :) I will be studying in Giessen at Justus Liebig Universität. Giessen is a small university town located 45min north of Frankfurt in the state of Hessen.

Exactly 2 weeks. In fact, I'm am writing this at 10am and 10am is when my flight leaves Milwaukee on August 20th. Weird. I can't wrap my mind around actually being gone a whole year. I don't think it has actually sunk in yet. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited! I know I have a full year full of adventures, trials, and challenges ahead. I am not only looking forward to growing and becoming an independent young woman through this experience, but also learning more and more about trusting the Lord.

Let's talk about Him. He has been more faithful in the last month than I could even imagine. Every little worry or bump in the road to preparing for Germany. He has cleared When I was worried about whether my scholarship would actually cover my study abroad, I got an email confirming it would. When I was worried about finding my way once I reached Germany, I got an email saying there will be a sign at the train station welcoming the exchange students. When I was worried further about having money in Germany, I found out that I was awarded a $2,000 Wisconsin Study Abroad Grant. These are just a few examples of how little by little God has shown me that I need not worry! He will take care of things.

This summer I worked at the Milwaukee Rescue Mission for six weeks for a program called City Camp. It was challenging and wonderful. The theme verse of the camp was Matthew 28:20, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." At first I didn't think too hard about the verse, it was just something the kids had to memorize and it seemed pretty explainable. However, I just finished reading through the book of Matthew and as it is the very last verse of Matthew I recently reread it. For some reason, all of a sudden it took on a new meaning for me. Duh! God is going to be with me every second I'm away. I could walk through fire and He would never leave my side. Leilah Korban and I always talk about how excited we are for our lives because God is with us! How bright our futures are because the joy and hope we have in Christ! Well, I am filled with joy right now writing this because I know that this is true!!

Okay, so that's about it for now. I will obviously be writing more once I get to Germany. However, I would like to ask one more thing. Can those who read this keep me lifted up in prayer? I would like to find a church and some Christian friends over there. Thank you so much.