Can't Focus!

So, I have a homework assignment due tomorrow and I just can't focus! I also skipped two classes today! Can't believe I am such a bad a student. I am feeling a bit guilty right now. Anyways, I have been having so many different emotions lately. I have been thinking a lot about Caleb. I just get in these moods where I just want to hug him and to see him and to hear his voice. I know that this a healthy part of grieving someone you love. I know this is something natural but it doesn't change how much it hurts sometime. It's hard to explain really. Sometimes I just really long for his presence. Now that it has been almost four years the shock of his death has worn off and all that is left is an aching feeling. I don't want to sound depressing or anything but I just really need to write about how I feel right now. I am really not sure what brings on these times of my life where I just really miss him. But this time I think I actually know. It is kind of weird but I will write about it anyways. I want my brother here to protect me.

It sounds odd but it is something very real to me. Lately, there has been a lot of creepy guys in my life. I want my brother to be here to say, "Hey, back off! That's my sister! You better not even look at her." I really, really want that. I just want him to take care of me and to adore me as his "little sister". I want to be a "little sister" with a big, strong, capable older brother! I know that God is good. No matter what, I will never doubt that. But I feel like one of the most special people in my life is just gone. Someone that I would have loved to get to know deeper and deeper as we lived life and grew older. Some days the pain is real and so raw. I don't know what I would do if I didn't know that God is always going to be here to protect me. Even though I long for the physical protection of my brother, God will always be at my side. He is the one I rely on and he is my strength. Like the song, "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman says, "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." My heart chooses to say thank you Lord. My heart chooses to fall more and more in love with Jesus and know him more. I know that God is the only one who can heal my aching heart and truly comfort me.

Some Scattered Thoughts

I am in a writing mood so I figure, I should probably take advantage of it! I have been in Germany about 3 months now and have turned 21! It's weird how fast time goes! I am enjoying every minute of my time here even when it get's a bit stressful. I always feel a bit stressed on Tuesdays because I teach English in a little town near Gießen and getting there includes a bus and a train. I guess I just feel that it takes a lot of effort. I do enjoy teaching though and am so thankful that I have this opportunity. In fact, as I was locking up the tutoring center today I started thinking about how the heck I even got this job. I then remembered that I had prayed for something like this and how random it was to meet a woman in my class who just so happened to own a language center and need a teacher. I realized in that moment this job is another answer to prayer. I am very thankful for it despite the lesson planning and extra traveling on Tuesday.

Actually, something really cool has come out of my Tuesday train rides. I take the 12:28pm train every Tuesday from Gießen to Butzbach (the town where I teach). The second time I took the train I met a Pakistani-German woman. We had a really interesting conversation and now we meet weekly on the train. We only have a 10min talk or so before I reach my stop but it was so wonderful to meet her! I am still trying figure out if meeting people is really just random or if God has a plan and a purpose for every single person He puts in our way. I wonder.

Now that the snow has come (beautiful loads of it!), I have a new favorite thing to do. It's a bit cold and icy to go running so I enjoy taking brisk walks in the woods. I especially love when no one is around and I can just breath in fresh air and hear the silence of the woods. It is so peaceful! One time as I was walking along I decided that I would try praying out loud. I began quietly at first, but then I just started talking to God like He was walking right next to me. I just started pouring my heart out to Him and holding nothing back. One time I was talking to Him and realized I was not being completely honest about something. I started laughing because obviously He already knows what's really in my head! I love doing this. I feel so close to Him and my mind doesn't wander as it sometimes does when I just pray silently. When I have this time with God in the woods, afterward I always feel like singing and dancing! Spending time with God brings so much joy! So yeah, that's my new favorite thing. The only problem is watching out for other walkers - don't want them to think I am completely insane!

It seems all my blogs end with something about what God has done in my life or how good He is and well I guess, I just can't help it! He is so good! I could talk about God every second! That's why I love spending time with my friend Melanie. She feels the same way! Last week I had the realization just how much I loved the name of Jesus and how wonderful and beautiful it is!