Can't Focus!

So, I have a homework assignment due tomorrow and I just can't focus! I also skipped two classes today! Can't believe I am such a bad a student. I am feeling a bit guilty right now. Anyways, I have been having so many different emotions lately. I have been thinking a lot about Caleb. I just get in these moods where I just want to hug him and to see him and to hear his voice. I know that this a healthy part of grieving someone you love. I know this is something natural but it doesn't change how much it hurts sometime. It's hard to explain really. Sometimes I just really long for his presence. Now that it has been almost four years the shock of his death has worn off and all that is left is an aching feeling. I don't want to sound depressing or anything but I just really need to write about how I feel right now. I am really not sure what brings on these times of my life where I just really miss him. But this time I think I actually know. It is kind of weird but I will write about it anyways. I want my brother here to protect me.

It sounds odd but it is something very real to me. Lately, there has been a lot of creepy guys in my life. I want my brother to be here to say, "Hey, back off! That's my sister! You better not even look at her." I really, really want that. I just want him to take care of me and to adore me as his "little sister". I want to be a "little sister" with a big, strong, capable older brother! I know that God is good. No matter what, I will never doubt that. But I feel like one of the most special people in my life is just gone. Someone that I would have loved to get to know deeper and deeper as we lived life and grew older. Some days the pain is real and so raw. I don't know what I would do if I didn't know that God is always going to be here to protect me. Even though I long for the physical protection of my brother, God will always be at my side. He is the one I rely on and he is my strength. Like the song, "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman says, "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." My heart chooses to say thank you Lord. My heart chooses to fall more and more in love with Jesus and know him more. I know that God is the only one who can heal my aching heart and truly comfort me.